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Homesick for the Real You

Sunday, November 24, 2019
Featuring: Ester Nicholson

Click HERE to download this transcript.

Ester Nicholson: What’s up?!?

[Congregation laughs]

I am so honored to be here; thank you so much for having me!

I want to talk to you – have this talk with you today – “Homesick for Your Real Self.” How many of you felt that before? Where you have felt this greatness about you – you know that there’s this peace within you; you know that there’s this safety within you; you know this truth about yourself – but you just can’t seem to get to it. And you’re so sick and tired of being sick and tired! You’re just ready to come home to the truth of your beingness. How many of you are ready to come home?

All of you! Yes!

[Congregation laughs and applauds]

So I’d like to speak with you today about what I think is the most powerful, practical and efficient roadmap back to you authentic self… back “home” to your authentic self by way of recovery. Not from the perspective of recovering from something: from emotional crisis, physical crisis, financial crisis, or any kind of addiction. We’re not going to talk about recovering from anything. I want to talk to you about the recovery of: that part of you that is spoken about in Genesis, where Spirit/God/the Infinite looked around at everything it had created out of itself and said, “Behold; it is good, and very good.” I want you to say, “I’m good and very good.”

Congregation: “I’m good and very good!”

Ester: I want to speak to you about the re-awakening to your essential nature of worthiness and “good enough-ness.” Say, “I’m worthy!”

Congregation: “I’m worthy!”

Ester: And, “I’m good enough!”

Congregation: “I’m good enough.”

Ester: And this next one I didn’t go over with Rev. Richard, but he said you guys were kind of cool. Is that true?

[Congregation laughs]

I want to talk about the rediscovery of your bad-ass sexiness!

[Congregation laughs]


[Congregation laughs and applauds]

Amen? How many of ya’ll like feeling sexy?

[Congregation whoops and applauds]

And it’s so much more than we might have thought that’s about. Because I used to think that being sexy, being beautiful, or even just being “enough” had to do with how much weight I gained or lost, or had to do with the kind of clothes I had on, or had to do with how my make-up looked. But I came to understand that, as long as I was walking around – and I did for a lot of years – with those life-diminishing illusions of not being worthy… not being good enough or feeling undeserving… As long as I was walking around with those life-diminishing illusions that I couldn’t suck it in, tone it up, color it up no matter how hard I tried!

[Congregation laughs]

That those illusions – those deep-seated falsehoods that I held about myself – that no matter how good I tried to look, they showed up before I did! They made my decisions without my conscious permission. How many of you can relate to that?

[Congregation applauds]

I’d forgotten who I was. And there are some of you out there today, that you are disconnected from your authentic beingness. Unworthiness. Not enough-ness. Shame. Seeking approval and validation outside of yourself. It’s insidious. And that word, in the recovery community, means “cunning, baffling and powerful.” That these illusions show up, and you don’t even know that this is the place that you’re speaking from! You’re not even aware that this is the place that you’re making your decisions from, because it’s become your “normal.”

So let me share with you what it looks like. It looks like you saying “Yes” when you really mean no. It looks like the inability to stand in your truth, and speak your truth when you have a truth to be spoken… but you can’t, because you’re blocked and you’re scared. It looks like having unhealthy boundaries, or not having any boundaries at all. And it shows up as accepting something in your life that you know, on a soul level, that you don’t want to accept. You know you’re better than that! But the lie – the illusion of unworthiness – will say, “Yeah; but that’s all you can have right now. That’s all you’re worthy of right now.” And it’s a lie!

I remember a while back, when I was in negotiations with a potential client, and I was having an amazing day. This is how insidious this is. I was having an amazing day; I was all meditated up and all spiritual and everything.

[Congregation laughs]

And I get on the phone with this client, and we’re talking and negotiating about working together. And all of a sudden, my frequency went from here [raises hand high to her head] to there [drops hand low to her abdomen]. And I started to feel this sick, sour feeling in the pit of my gut. And it’s like, “Wow. What’s up?” My whole energy had shifted! And I was like, “What’s…?” And I rubbed my tummy. And I looked down. [Rubs her tummy] This is where my little girl is. And I said, “What’s the matter, Boo?” I call her Boo. I call her Pumpkin. I call her Sweetheart. Because in this deep, self-parenting and re-parenting myself, I’ve learned to be loving and kind to her. Yes?

So I looked, and I said, “What’s the matter, Boo?”  And she said, “I’m scared. I’m scared to ask for what I want, because I might not get anything if I ask for what I want.”

How many of you know what I’m talking about?

[Congregation murmurs and lightly applauds]

How many of you have made your decision from that place? And I was like, “Oh, God; what’s going on here?” And what the realization that came through was that I was having that sick feeling, and I was scared, not because I was negotiating with a client, but because the illusion of unworthiness was seeking to negotiate with the truth of my beingness… and it was not a vibrational match. How many of you are trying to live an exalted life from a defeated consciousness, and it’s not a match, beloved? Yes?

Congregation: Yes! [Light applause]

Ester: Yes! Go on and clap! You know what I’m talking about!

[Congregation laughs and applauds]

Ester: And in that moment, I hit a bottom. I hit a bottom. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling that way, and of thinking that way about myself. And of making decisions from that place. And I made a decision: I can’t make decisions from that place anymore. I will not be in agreements from that place anymore! I can’t do it anymore!

I want to hear you say, “I can’t do it anymore!”

Congregation: “I can’t do it anymore!”

Ester: I will not make a decision from unworthiness anymore!

Congregation: “I will not make a decision from unworthiness anymore!”

Ester: It’s over!

Congregation: “It’s over!”

Ester: So I felt good about that. It’s like, I’m not making a decision from that place anymore! But here’s what the insidious nature of unworthiness will do. It’s cunning, baffling and powerful, and it’s seeking to keep you safe. It’s not seeking to hurt you; ego’s not seeking to hurt you. It’s trying to keep you safe in what you’re familiar with. Yes?

Congregation: Yes!

Ester: And so I said, “Okay; I can’t keep her safe that way… so let me try to keep her safe this way.” So then, I said, “Who do they think they are?!?”

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: “Making me an offer like that?!? Don’t they know who I am? I’m Ester Nicholson.” [Laughs] And that sick feeling started feeling sicker. And I was like, “Well, what’s the matter now, Pumpkin? That was good, right?” And she said, “No! That’s not the truth, either.” Because those illusions – those life-diminishing illusions – they not only will show up as shrinking and accepting what you don’t want… They also show up – they mimic – as self-righteousness and arrogance. It’s the same energy, just from a different place. You understand?

And I said, “I can’t make decisions from that place any more. So if I can’t make decisions from that place, and I can’t make decisions from this place, that means it’s time for me to come home. That means it’s time for me to stop trying to figure it out – stop trying to do it on my own. It’s time for me to go in and do my ‘soul recovery.’ It’s time to remember who I am, because I’ve forgotten, God! I’ve forgotten who I am!”

There’s this story about this little two-year-old boy; maybe some of you guys have heard it before. His mother had just had a newborn baby: his infant, little baby brother. And he begged his parents, “Can I spend just two minutes alone with my baby brother?” And the parents were like, “No!”

[Ester and congregation laugh]

And he was relentless. He was persistent. And so they said, “Okay; we’ll give you a couple of minutes with your infant, baby brother, but we’re going to be standing right within earshot, make sure everything’s okay.” And they listened in. And what he says to his baby brother was, “Will you please tell me about God, because I’m starting to forget.”

[Congregation murmurs]

And so in that moment it’s like, “I have forgotten who I am. God, I need to come home! I need to remember; I need to re-awaken! I need to recover and re-discover the truth of my beingness.” The truth of our beingness that is sometimes emotionally and physically been beaten out of us… But it hasn’t been beaten out of us; it is there! The truth is there! It has just been blocked. We’ve just created some emotional blocks.

And so I went within, and did my work. I went in and did the ‘soul recovery’ work that I want to teach you about this weekend. And I came out of that sanctuary – out of my inner sanctuary from doing this work – with the decision to leave the deal on the table. See, sometimes you’ve got to leave the deal on the table.

Say, “I’ve got to leave it on the table!”

Congregation: “I’ve got to leave it on the table!”

Ester: Sometimes you’ve got to leave the deal on the table.

Congregant: “Sometimes you’ve got to leave the deal on the table!”

Ester: Absolutely!

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: And I said, “I’ll walk away with nothing.” And in that decision to walk away with nothing, a realization came through for me: that when you are willing to walk away with nothing, beloved, in the name of your wholeness…. In the name of your value… In the name of your self-worth… In the name of truth… When you are willing to walk away with nothing from that place, that the infinite and inexhaustible Universe will fill the seeming nothingness with the Divine something that is beyond your wildest imagination. Can I get an “Amen”?

[Congregation applauds, whoops and shouts, “Amen!”]

Ester: It has never, ever, ever failed me. That whenever I’ve been willing to leave it on the table – because I am not making decisions from this place anymore – the Universe within me just swooped in and restored the years that the locusts have eaten. Has just swooped in, revealed itself in, as and through me, as my authentic self, as something beyond my wildest imagination. It will never fail you! You’ve got to let go of your limited illusions of yourself so that something magnificent – that is seeking to emerge in, as and through you – can be revealed. Yes?

Congregation: Yes!

Ester: And that’s why this talk is so… I’m so passionate! Can you tell I’m a little passionate?

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: I’m so passionate about it, not only because of my own personal experience of healing, but the many people who come to me, and they sit with me. And they come to me with their emotional issues, their physical issues, their relationship issue, their emotional issues. And when we sit down and “unpack,” what’s going on underneath the condition we always find out: they don’t even feel worthy of deserving enough for the thing that they’re asking for! For the thing they are affirming! And if you don’t feel worthy or deserving of what you’re affirming from up here [points at head level], there’s a gap between in the energy of where you’re residing in consciousness, and what it is that you’re asking for. And it’s incongruent, and it creates an incoherent wave, and you’re not in frequency with what it is that you desire. Did I just say that too fast?

Congregation: No.

Ester: You understand what I’m saying beloved?

Congregation: Yes.

Ester: I think the cost is too high. And I’m going to ask you to just take a breath right now. Deep breath. And I want you to ask yourself – from this place of such self-compassion – what is it costing you to make your decisions from that place of unworthiness, undeservingness, and “not enough-ness” and shame? And guilt. What is it costing you? Is it costing you your health? Your dignity? Your peace of mind? The ability to move forward in your life? What is it costing you? The cost is too high! Because here’s the deal: your deepest heart’s desire – what you need; your needs being met and your deepest heart’s desire… It’s not that you’re not worthy of that; it’s that these illusions of unworthiness, they’re not worthy of YOU! Those lies that you’ve been telling yourself about yourselves is not worthy.

Say, “You’re not even worthy of me!”

Congregation: “You’re not even worthy of me!”

Ester: Because here’s the truth: When you reconnect – when you come home to the truth of your beingness – unworthiness does not exist. It’s not even real. It’s not there. Here’s who you are, really… Here’s your authentic self… Here’s your soul… Here’s your wholeness that the choir so beautifully just performed… You are worthy! You are empowered! You are confident! You are clear! You are centered! You are beautiful! You are magnificent! You are genius! You are complete! And you are whole! And you walk forward – you walk toward your divine purpose – without hesitancy and without second-guessing yourself. Because when you’re home, you’re safe. Can I get an “Amen” to just feeling safe?

Congregation: Amen!

Ester: How many of you just want to feel safe?

[Congregation applauds]

Ester: For a woman who couldn’t sleep with the lights out until I was 26 years old, I know about the addiction to anxiety and just being afraid of everything. And there is nothing more powerful than feeling safe. Independent of anything and anyone. That’s home. That’s spiritual power. When you can feel safe in your own beingness. In your soul. In your God. In your Higher Power. And the most powerful way that I know to do that – and I stand behind that with everything that I am… The most powerful, efficient and effective way to come home – that roadmap home – is based in the 12 Steps of Recovery, bridging the gap between the 12 Steps of Recovery and metaphysical principles and other powerful healing modalities. This work has come through me, and I call it “Soul Recovery”: the recovery of your soul. The recovery of the real you: the you that is you before you forgot! Before you disconnected from it. And this “soul recovery”: it not only has the power to heal those life-threatening addictions that we’re so familiar with, but it can also heal those more subtle under-the-hood life-diminishing addictions that we don’t look at as addiction: unworthiness. Unworthiness is an addition. Say it!

Congregation: “Unworthiness is an addiction.”

Ester: Shame is an addiction!

Congregation: “Shame is an addiction.”

Ester: Not enough-ness is an addiction!

Congregation: “Not enough-ness is an addiction!”

Ester: It’s not true. It is an addiction. The addiction to procrastination. Can I get an “Amen”?

Congregation: “Amen!”

Ester: By way of distraction… to any and everything. But especially to your iPhone!

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: To social media! Got quiet on that one…

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: And let’s not forget about your addiction to Netflix!

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: I know that you just click on, you just say I’m going to watch a move for an hour… I know you say that, don’t you? But then you click on a series, and we know that each every series has 13 to 18 episodes. But we just swear on everything holy that we’re only going to watch one! And four or five days later, we come to.

[Congregation laughs]

Ester: Say, “Zoned out!”

Congregation: “Zoned out!

Ester: “Numbed out!”

Congregation: “Numbed out!”

Ester: “Bummed out!”

Congregation: “Bummed out!”

Ester: And disconnected! And then we fight to get back on track. And then we beat ourselves up, and we fight to get back on track. How many of you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of the same old thing? And you should be! Because your soul is calling you home, beloved! It’s time to come home!

So I had to find a way to put this work together: to put “soul recovery” together. Because I was tired of feeling sick in my tummy. I was tired of being scared. I was tired of saying, “Yes” when I meant no. I was tired of second-guessing myself. And I have been blessed – on November 1 – with 34 years of recover.

[Congregation whoops and applauds]

Ester: Thank you! What a journey it’s been for 34 years! Because for 10 of those 34 years, I was clean from drugs and alcohol but, boy, was a sick little girl. I couldn’t remember who I was. I was so wounded, I couldn’t remember who I was. To the degree that – here I am on stage with Bette Midler and Rod Stewart. And I’m at rehearsal with Bette Midler, and she’s saying, “Pack your bags, Sweetie; we’re on ‘Oprah’ tomorrow! Come into my dressing room, Sweetie; I want you to rehearse this duet with me.” And Rod Stewart’s singing, “Have I Told You Lately”… dueting with him, and doing “Proud Mary” as Tina Turner in the show… And every single day for the five or six years I was with them, I was waiting for one of them to say, “Pack your bags, Sweetie; we just found out you’re not good enough.” What should have been the highlight of my singing career was one of the most painful times in my life! Because when you are suffering from these illusions – these addictions – you may manifest what it is what you want… But if you’re not a vibrational match for it, you won’t be able to be able to be present for it.

How many of you have experienced that before? Five of you?

[Congregation laughs]

Okay! You’ve gotten what you wanted, but then you couldn’t be present for it? You didn’t feel good enough for it, because of this “thing” that’s not the truth about you!?!

So briefly, let’s talk about what addiction is… Because I know that there are some of you in here saying to yourself right now, “Oh, she’s talking about addiction. This would be great for my sister!”

[Congregation laughs]

“This would be great for my husband!” And I just want to say to you very gently, Boo: No! this is for you!

[Congregation laughs and applauds]

This is for you! Because an addiction is when we are so hard-wired in our subconscious mind to a belief system, a thought pattern and a behavior pattern that we come enslaved and in bondage to it. To the degree that, no matter how hard we try to heal it or affirm it away or pray it away from a disconnected consciousness, we find ourselves defaulting right back to the same old thing over and over and over again.

How many of you understand that and can relate to that? I want to make sure that we’re connecting here. How many of you understand that and can connect to that?

[Congregation applauds]

And for the 5,000 who didn’t connect to that… Uh huh! Sure!!!

[Congregation laughs]

There’s a solution. But there is a solution! And the solution to allowing those illusions and addictions and patterns to be healed and lifted from you – the number one solution – is you’ve got to get out of your own way. And from my neighborhood, we call it, “Gettin’ up out your own way.” Get on up!

Congregation: “Get on up!”

Ester: Out of my way!

Congregation: “Out of my way!”

Ester: We call that “admitting personal powerlessness.” We call that “surrender.” We call that “releasing control.” And when we are able to do that… I want you to just hold your muscles real tight, and I want you to think about that thing in your life that you are just trying so hard to fix. To figure out. To make it happen. And just hold on real tight, and I just want you to say with me, “It’s not mine to do.”

Congregation: “It’s not mine to do.”

Ester: I can’t figure it out.

Congregation: “I can’t figure it out.”

Ester: I don’t know crap.

Congregation: “I don’t know crap.” [Laughter]

Ester: I’m so grateful…

Congregation: “I’m so grateful…”

Ester: …I don’t have to do it!

Congregation: …”I don’t have to do it.”

Ester: It’s not mine to do.

Congregation: “It’s not mine to do.”

Ester: I surrender.

Congregation: “I surrender.”

Ester: Inhale deeply. Exhale. Aaahhhhh. Let go! And as we let go of our limited power – our ego power – we tap into the infinite Power that can do in, as and through us what we have never been able to do for ourselves. There’s a Power within you that can do in, as and through you what you will never be able to do for yourself! And It does it with pleasure! That’s step one of returning home! That’s the first path on the roadmap to coming home to your authentic self!

And then we come to believe – step two – we come to believe there’s an opening that’s happening in our consciousness. The veil has parted! The fog has lifted just a little bit, where we can – Aaahhhh! – let go. We come to believe that there’s a Power greater than ourselves – which is the truth of your real self, which is within yourself – that can restore you. Scripture says, “He restoreth my soul.” The second step says a Higher Power can restore me to sanity! Sanity: the truth of my beingness. And you can’t be restored back to something that was never the truth about you. You were created sane! You were created whole! You were created worthy! You were created more than enough!

And then in that third step we make a decision. Say, “I’m making a decision!”

Congregation: “I’m making a decision…”

Ester: Today…

Congregation: “Today…”

Ester: To turn your patterns and your illusions that no longer serve you – that’s not working for you, Boo! – over to the care of God/Higher Power as I understand it. And I like to say to people, if the God of your understanding isn’t working for you, then it’s time to get a new God, or it’s time to get a new understanding. And it’s totally fine to say, “You know what? There’s something that I’m not getting about God, because I’m not demonstrating it in these areas of my life.”

And then as you work through the rest of the process – which brings you from lost to hopeful, to possibility, to love, to clarity, to peace, to home – you awaken to the fact that you’ve been home all the time. Just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz! When she woke up, she realized she’d never gone anywhere; she’d just been having a dream. What is that dream that you’re having? That something’s missing in you? That something’s wrong with you? It is a dream; it is not the truth! But we can do the work together! To heal those emotional, insidious blocks that are blocking you from home: your true self, your authentic self. Wholeness. Amazingness. Bad-ass sexy! Amazing!

I invite you home. Home misses you! You miss home. And there is absolutely no place like it. Welcome home, ya’ll. I love you! Thank you!

Copyright 2019 Unity of Phoenix Spiritual Center/Ester Nicholson


Location and Contact Information

Unity of Phoenix Spiritual Center

1500 E Greenway Pkwy
Phoenix, AZ 85022
Phone: (602) 978-3200

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